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Mentally Abusive -everyone wants to believe that their partner is the one. But strange, unsettling things happen when you’re in an abusive relationship. You can’t explain them, so you rationalize them.
You keep hoping that it will get better, and you’re working hard to make it so. It is not until it’s too late.
Love is a many-splendored thing, and the feelings we have for others are deep and complex. But being in an abusive relationship is not. You may believe that you love your partner and that they love you in return.
Two weeks ago my niece was murder by her abusive husband.
You may have had your suspicions, but you were hopeful that your suspicions were wrong. Maybe they had a few bad days or a few red-wine nights. Maybe they had an ex that they weren’t getting over.
Maybe they were just stressed out or unhappy at their job. Or maybe they were being a little too nice, or a little too jealous.
But the signs of abuse are there, and they are very subtle. They are not overt or intense. They are not physical, or threatening, or violent.
They are not obvious. They’re under the surface, and that’s how the abuser stays hidden from you.
Mentally Abusive Shaming and Blaming
Abusers use shame to control their partners. They make their victims feel as though they are to blame for the abuse.
This is one of the most damaging forms of abuse, because it breaks down trust.
You begin to question yourself and your motives. If you’re the only partner in the relationship who seems to have issues, it may seem like you are the one who has the problem.
You may start to believe that you are the cause of the abuse, even though it is clear that your partner is the one with the problem.
Isolation
When you love someone who is abusive, you may feel like you are being pulled in two directions. You want your partner to get help, but you also want them to understand you and love you the way you want to be loved.
You may feel like you have to choose between your partner and your own needs.
You may start to withdraw from friends and family, isolating yourself from support. You may start to feel unsafe, or like your partner is watching you.
You may start to have irrational fears that your partner will come to harm you. This isolation will make it more difficult for your partner to seek help for abuse.
They may try to talk to you about it, but you may not be able to understand them or listen to them.
It is common for victims of domestic abuse to isolate themselves from friends and family.
Disqualifying and Demeaning
Abusers often make their partner feel like they are stupid or inferior. This is humiliating, and it is often a way to control the other person.
It may happen subtly or it may be blatant. It may even feel like it is your partner’s way of “teasing” you.
It is a way of blaming you for the abuse, which is another way of making you feel like you are to blame.
Accusing and Belittling
Abusers often accuse their partner of things that are not true. This is a way to put the other person down, to make them feel bad about themselves, and to make them question their motives and worth.
This is often coupled with belittling, which is making your partner feel bad about themselves by calling them names or making fun of their appearance.
This is another way to make you feel like you are to blame and to make you question yourself.
Emotional Manipulation
Loving someone who is abusive means that you have to deal with a lot of manipulation. Your abuser may tell you that they love you, and then they will do something that makes you doubt it.
Or they may say that they are tired, or they need time to themselves, and then they yell or threaten. The goal of manipulation is to confuse and to break you down.
You have to work hard to keep your own feelings from getting pulled into the manipulation, and to work hard to make decisions and plans without letting your abuser get to you.
Isolation and Control
It’s important to remember that even when your partner is in a bad place, you are not. When your partner is abusive, they leave you isolated physically.
They may lock you out of the house, or tell you that you cannot go see a friend or family member.
You are left with no money and no way to get to a job. You are isolated in your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.
Isolation and Stalking
It is not uncommon for domestic abusers to track their partners. They may follow them to work and they may keep tabs on their social media. This makes it hard for the partner to feel safe.
It may feel like the partner is being stalked or chased. You may feel like you are being watched, or that you are being punished for the abuse.
This is an attempt to control you through fear. Your partner may try to tell you that it is “just” fear, but it is still control.
Isolation and Violence
Domestic violence is never okay. You may not be physically harmed, but the emotional and psychological damage is just as severe.
The isolation and control that you feel are often just as bad as the physical violence.
You may have extreme feelings of fear, you may have trouble sleeping, you may have trouble concentrating, you may have trouble holding a job.
The abuser controls your every movement, your every thought, and your every emotion. They make you feel like you are not capable of doing anything or being anything on your own.
This takes a toll on your self-esteem.
Conclusion
Abusers do not just make mistakes. They do not just get a little too angry or a little too frustrated.
They do not just push the wrong button. They do not just make poor decisions. They are abusive.
Whether you are the person who is being abused or the person who is abusing, this article is important for you to read and understand. Abuse is never okay.
It is never a mistake. It is never something that can be forgiven. It is never something that is just a little unfortunate or frightening. It is a serious, violent crime.
It is important to know how to recognize abuse, and it is important to know how to get help. You cannot stay in a relationship with an abuser and hope for the best.
The abusive person may improve for a while, but they will always have some type of violent or abusive behavior.
If it is ever dangerous for you to stay in the relationship, you must leave. You deserve better, and so does your safety.
Two weeks ago my niece was murder by her abusive husband…then he kill himself!!